I Often Wonder What Your View Is Like From Heaven...

Sometimes late at night when I can't sleep, I often close my eyes and wonder what life is like on "the other side". Life for my mom and my loved ones who have passed on. What it's like to watch our lives from heaven. I often think of the scene from Just Like Heaven; This beautiful palace looking place where everyone is the age they passed and they can look down on earth whenever they want. Although just a comedy, it always resonated with what type of perspective I have on my mom's presence in my life.... in some silly way.

That maybe she's up there, in her best health, hurting of course for not getting to be with us but overall happy. Smiling as she sips a cup of coffee and keeps and eye on us while she spends time with her loved ones up there and interacting with other's lost loved ones in this just beautiful, heavenly community. Essentially, they are doing in heaven what we are doing here however our paths don't get the opportunity to cross.

If I could see my mom today, I think she'd be smiling. Full of joy. I think she'd look relaxed and not in pain. I think she'd look less worried if each day was going to be her last. I think she'd also carry heartache and pain, disappointment and frustration for certain aspects of life just as she would if she were living here with us.

Although I didn't get to see my mom's life pan out, she is so intertwined with who I am that I get to carry her with me in all that I do. It doesn't just mean remembering her here and there. It means letting in the emotions, the grief, the pain of the loss. Putting myself in her shoes, resonating with her fight to live and just knowing life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

I wish and pray everyday for some kind of miracle and I think I always will. Some magical moment where she appears and sits on the edge of my bed. Where she holds my hands and settles all my fears. Where she tells me I'm doing just fine. Where I get to wake up from this heartbreaking dream. Where I get to have a mom again.

But like the movie, it's just a vision.

A wishful vision I put in my own mind- to help carry me through and stay positive and connected to my mom.

So I have to live each day to find what life is like as a motherless daughter. Each day, each moment, each milestone, event, celebration, and heartache being a new hurdle to overcome. I've had to live in a world without the person who created me, carried me, birthed me and brought me into this world. Molded me and created my heart. The one who raised me, prayed over me, cried for me, encouraged me, taught me, trusted in me, supported me and above all else; loved me with every single fiber of her being.

How painstakingly difficult it is knowing she didn't get to see her "final product' for lack of a better phrase. Her kids graduate college, get married, have kids and get settled as she always feared.

As a mother now myself, I feel that pain almost every time I look at my son. I cannot imagine a world without each other. I cannot imagine not being part of his every move, every emotion. Feeling his touch, watching his growth and just simply basking in his laughter.

It's unimaginable.

So my heart will always ache for my mother.

My heart will always ache for what could of been.

For the relationship and experiences that never got to be.

But while I ache, I also have to live.

Live fully and presently. Live in gratitude and happiness.

Live with laughter and appreciation for all that I have.

Until I get to sit with her again.......